MVVM: 'But What Are You?' (short story)

Vincent van Mechelen

BUT WHAT ARE YOU?

A Bible lay before the poor suspect, who was supposed to place 'er* right hand on it. However, in spite of the judge's friendly request, it was clear that this suspect refused to swear by the Bible.
    "You're not a Catholic?" the judge asked, as if surprised. Since one of 'er given names was Maria, the judge had expected the person in front of 'im* to be a Catholic.
    "No, Your Honor," the suspect answered.
    "You're a Protestant, then?" The judge had heard of Quakers who have religious objections to taking oaths.
    "No, I'm not," the suspect answered.
    "You're a Jew, perhaps?" The judge thought there might be Jews too with objections to taking oaths, at least on a Bible which contained the New Testament.
    "No, I'm not," the suspect answered.
    "May I assume you're a Muslim then?" the judge said, half concludingly, half questioningly. This certainly exhausted all the possibilities 'e* could come up with 'imself.
    Nonetheless, the suspect answered again, "No, I'm not."
    The judge began to show the first signs of anger and asked the suspect, "But what are you?"
    "I'm out of work," the suspect answered.¹
    Everyone in the courtroom started to laugh, the judge too; everyone except the suspect, who was sure that all the others in this callous court were so lucky as to have jobs themselves.
    "Yes, yes," the judge said, "but someone can be a good Catholic and without work at the same time, or even a good ..." Here 'e stopped abruptly as if the example which was to follow would, perhaps, not be considered entirely impartial by all present. So the judge continued, "You don't mean to tell me you refuse to swear upon the Bible because you're without a job, do you?"
    'Er feelings having been hurt enough, the suspect kept silent.
    "Now, I understand you're not a Catholic, but what faith are you instead?" And the judge put as much emphasis on the instead as possible, to make things completely clear this time.
    "I'm ... an atheist," the suspect said with some hesitation.
    "Atheist" the judge repeated unbelievingly, "without a god?"
    "Yes."
    And the judge gave the suspect one last chance: "But what are you yourself?" putting as much emphasis on the word are as possible to make things even clearer.

¹	The beginning of this little story until I'm out of work is based on a real or fictitious anecdote told in Deze Taal by Ludo Abicht, an advocate of 'positive atheism', at the Amsterdam DRIFT Wijsgerig Festival on 66.17.4.
*	The third-person singular pronoun used is 'e, with 'im, objective case, and 'er, possessive pronoun. (He and she would only be used in This Language when it is believed or suggested that sex or gender is or could be relevant.) See Speaking person-to-person at TRINPsite.

66.MNW