PUFFING SOMETHING POISONOUS
Says a handsome cowhand fresh as a daisy after a long session of passionate
kissing in a moonlit haystack: "Am I glad I live in this day and age,
'cause thirteen centuries from now hordes of people will be puffing
something poisonous called 'sickarettes' --that's how it sounds-- and
they'll smell nasty when you kiss 'em and the rooms they're in will stink
like dunghills burnt to ashes."
TRIED IN KATSINA
Says a mother who is suckling a baby in her arms to her father: "Am I glad I
live in this day and age, 'cause thirteen centuries from now in the Nigerian
State of Katsina they would have tried to bury me up to my neck and stone
me to death for bearing this lovely child out of wedlock."
DOCTORS AND NURSES
Says a 14-year-old girl to a few 14- and 15-year-old chums: "Am I glad we
live in this day and age, 'cause thirteen centuries from now our parents
would not have allowed us to get this close. They'd have wanted us to keep
on playing doctors and nurses for at least another two or three years, if
not another six or seven years." Answers one of her chums: "Are you
kidding? Kids playing doctor with each other will be judged 'sex offenders'
thirteen centuries from now."
MOVING PICTURES FOR MONEY
Says a young parent with little children up to age 12 to her loving spouse
and co-parent: "Am I glad we live in this day and age, 'cause thirteen
centuries from now there'll be brutes only interested in money who may try
to lure our children into sexual acts, or even force them to do such
things, of which they'll make moving pictures that others will be prepared
to pay for -- the rougher or crueller the act the more."
A TERRORIST COURT IN EGYPT
Says a part-time transvestite who likes to show himself with makeup in
women's clothes to an enthusiastic audience: "Am I glad I live in this day
and age, 'cause thirteen centuries from now I'd be arrested for habitual
debauchery and contempt of religion in Egypt, and tried by a terrorist
court. I should consider myself lucky, if I got a lighter sentence than
being thrown into gaol for five years. I'd be suspended in painful
positions, burnt with fire rolls, submerged in ice-cold water, and
subjugated to thunder shocks on every member."
A 'TELLYAWONE' OR SOMETHING
Says a very adult but buxom lady who still feels in the spring of her life
to her mate of 21 summers after hours of billing and cooing and coupling:
"Am I glad we live in this day and age, 'cause thirteen centuries from now
we'd definitely have been interrupted by the high-pitched noise of a new
gadget --a 'tellyawone' or something-- and you, as a child of your time,
would probably have started to talk loud to it for what would've felt like
ages, meanwhile ignoring me as if I didn't exist any more."
Says an 18-year-old student of law to his 15-year-old partner with whom he
has just had consensual oral sex: "Am I glad we live in this day and age,
'cause thirteen centuries from now the penal system in the American State
of Kansas would've had 17 years in store for me; or, perhaps, a few years
less, for luckily the voyeurs would've seen me having fun with a
girl instead of a boy."
A NORMAL COUNTRY IN EASTERN CENTRAL AFRICA
Says a father to his teenage son and daughter: "You should be glad that you
live in this day and age, 'cause thirteen centuries from now our part of
the world will be called 'Uganda' and it will be tormented by mass murders
and decades of war.
(And the mass murderers will go unpunished.)
When there's no war little children will be slaughtered, boys castrated,
and their blood and heads will be used in new buildings.
(And the serial killers will go unpunished.)
Children your age will be raped and otherwise abused by soldiers in the
army and even in the refugee camps.
If you dare to complain, those involved, directly or indirectly, will
retort that you should be grateful for living in a normal country where no
man ever makes love to another man.
(Or those who do will be severely punished.)"
DISTURBED IN THE ALTOGETHER
Says a sportive woman to her beautiful girlfriend with whom she is swimming
and sunbathing in the nude at a silent, deserted spot: "Am I glad we live
in this day and age, 'cause thirteen centuries from now someone would
no doubt have seen us at our trysting-place and sent for the bailiff to
force us to get dressed, and to fine or arrest us."
A FAMILY AFFAIR ON A WARM ISLAND
Says a son to his parents: "Am I glad I live in this day and age, 'cause
thirteen centuries from now, if I'd lived in Jamaica and Father had found
those drawings of naked men in my bag, he would have asked all boys and
girls in town to teach me a lesson. Like a pack of wild animals smelling
blood at least twelve of them would knock me unconscious, while trying to
kill me". Answers his father: "Yeah, and neither I nor those boys and girls
would be charged with anything, 'cause those in uniform supposed to protect
people would consider it a family affair".
COVERED WITH A SHEATH
Says a 52-year-old man to his 44-year-old bosom friend, while their woman
is cleaning herself: "Am I glad we live in this day and age, 'cause thirteen
centuries from now we would have had to put our lusty members in sheaths
first before doing it, 'cause then our semen may contain something that
will be killing millions of people, even babies who'll get it from their
mothers. The plague will be called 'aids'." "Aids?" asks his friend. "Yes,
I don't know who or what it is that it's supposed to be helping."
Says a priest to a coreligionist: "Am I glad I'm a priest in this day
and age, because thirteen centuries from now a colleague of mine in the
American state of Massachusetts will be sentenced to death for touching a
ten-year-old boy's backside in a swimming pool: a decade in prison de
jure and then killed by a fellow-prisoner de facto."
UNDER THE GUISE OF POLYGAMY
Says a 15-year-old girl to her 13-year-old sister: "Am I glad we live in
this day and age, 'cause thirteen centuries from now in Utah a 30- or
40-year-old uncle would have forced at least one of us to become his
fourth or fifth wife and I'm sure he would have raped you or me on the
very first night." Answers their mother, who has overheard them: "Yeah,
and in the American state of Utah polygamy will even be outlawed after 50
years or so. What do you think of all those countries where it will remain
legal for a man to marry several women, and where he marries an underage
child, because his other wives have become too adult?"
RAIDS FOR A NEATER NETHERWORLD
Says a nature lover from the Low Countries to an old friend: "Am I glad we
live in this day and age, 'cause thirteen centuries from now uniformed
guards may raid areas like these, looking for humans silently exploring
each other's bodies and reactions. Meanwhile you will go crazy because of
the noise from the traffic and out of sound boxes, and you won't be able to
walk or ride for a mile without hitting a busy road, nor swim or row for
half a mile without being hit by several speedboats. But it is some law
forbidding you to make love anywhere else than between four walls or on
private property which receives priority of enforcement."
Says a 16-year-old boy who has just made vaginal love to a girl hardly
seven months younger than he: "Am I glad we live in this day and age,
'cause thirteen centuries from now the law will classify me as an adult and
you as a minor and cockeyed legalists will brand me a criminal for pleasing
you like this."
A SAUDI ARABIAN PUBIC SQUARE
Says a middle-aged devotee of the 'God is Love' doctrine, while having
anal intercourse with a fair layman lying on his belly with his mouth
agape: "Am I glad I live in this day and age, 'cause thirteen centuries
from now I'd be beheaded by sword for deviating from the standard
pubes-to-pubes fashion on a square in Saudi Arabia with hundreds or
thousands of bloodthirsty spectators looking on.
And for their own fun those spectators will just cross the border to a
neighboring state, if they themselves can afford it, that is."
AN ARIZONA SIN BIN
Says an amorous but thoughtful teacher (m/f) who is having an affair with a
17-year-old pupil: "Am I glad I live in this day and age, 'cause thirteen
centuries from now our relationship, which, I fear, is not right from a
moral or professional point of view, will be illegal and I'd be punished
out of all proportion with one hundred years in an Arizona sin bin."
Answers the know-it-all: "Out of all
Others will be getting two hundred years for just looking at
pictures of us doing it together, give or take a few years!"
A BLACK STICKY SUBSTANCE EVERYWHERE
Says a more active than attractive couple 69 years old together after
having kissed and cuddled and gone to a gorgeous depth in a sweet-smelling
wood: "Are we glad we live in this day and age, 'cause thirteen centuries
from now this idyllic sunlit wood will have been turned into one immense
plain of a black sticky substance called something like 'ashfall'."