This is Radio One, the most important public radio channel of the
Netherlands 3 :
Let's be pleased now
" Dear listeners, sorry for the interruption, but I'm certain
you'll not mind, for one of our boys is scoring again at the football match
between William Bi from Breda (in the Province of Brabant) and
FC Haveneiland from Antwerp (in the Dutch-speaking part of
Yeah, Claus, a brilliant goal by Leo Priest for William Bi.
The score is now ...
2 – −1.
I'll keep it as short as possible: back to the studio.
Before this interruption we were talking about the luxury we enjoy
nowadays. The Dutch like to complain and easily forget that they live in a
free country, where no-one is being persecuted because of the colour of his
skin, his religion or other convictions. Anyone ploughing their way through
'The Kingdom of the Netherlands in the Second World War', the 14-volume
series by Louis de Jong, will realise how well-off we are at present.
While the information from the German occupying forces was slanted and
ideologically coloured in those days, we were fortunately still able to
listen to Radio Orange in London, where De Jong was a reporter and manager. Some blame Radio Orange
for never having told the country that the Nazis had started to
systematically exterminate a part of our population, but such a warning
would definitely not have cheered up the great majority of listeners who
were not going to be killed. Radio Orange was not meant for this kind of
reporting; on the contrary, it was expressly used by the late Queen
Wilhelmina to put fresh heart into the nation. The ongoing genocide, known
from 1942, did not fit into this scheme.
At the moment ABC is playing away against XYZ in Zwolle (in the Province of
Overijssel), where Herman Letter covers the match.
You thought it impossible, Claus: finally ABC scored a goal against
XYZ; their first. XYZ are still in the lead with 3 – 1, but are they
ever falling back! XYZ thought they had a secure position, but anything may
still happen to them.
Such a detail does not occur in The Kingdom of the Netherlands, but
everyone will have to acknowledge how difficult it was for De Jong and even
the ministers to work under the authority of Queen Wilhelmina, the only
'man' in the government.
Before the war, this very determined woman had refused a refugee camp in
her back yard, at a distance of 15 kilometres from her holiday palace in
the wooded central-eastern part of the country.
Yes, this royal nimby managed to redirect it to a place far away in one of
the northern provinces.
During the war, she refused categorically to leave for the Netherlands East
Indies, which were still unoccupied by enemy troops, because, as she said,
the hot climate would finish her off.
(That's how she was: in 1928 she wanted to go on a holiday in cool Norway
and have the opening of the Olympic Games at summery Amsterdam postponed
Moreover, one may suspect, the East Indies had become less attractive to
this queen, because her best friend Joannes van Heutsz, under whose
regime in the colony 70,000 insurgents were slaughtered, was gone and dead,
with a state funeral (and, between parentheses, a clever son who joined the
Also the news of this refusal, and its reason, Radio Orange never imparted
to its listeners, for this kind of information might only have heated
things up and it certainly would not have put good courage into the
citizens of the low countries either.
If the monarch herself did not see about it, the others would be silent of
their own accord. This was the situation during the war and there was
no-one complaining then. Let's be pleased now. "
" Today Princess Máxima (the wife of the heir apparent)
delivered an impressive lecture about microcredits at a university in
She was wearing ...
Claus, the score is really
2 – minus1.
I checked it with a colleague.
So, not 2 – 1 but
2 – −1.
Yes, Nico, a child of three can see that: if the score was 1 – −1 and the Williamites score a second
goal against FC Haveneiland, then the score is now 2 – −1 in favour of William Bi.
And that is all thanks to Priest.
She was wearing a brilliant dress made of five different fabrics and a
pagoda-shaped hat in three layers.
We are going to our reporter at the match between FC Enkenburg and
Kerkrade-Herzogenrath United, Gerard de Graaf.
There hasn't been a goal yet, Claus. One time Kees Wijnlekoe of
FC Enkenburg almost managed to score, but the ball bounced against
Steef Wijnlekoe's bottom and since then ...
To which club does Steef Wijnlekoe belong, Gerard? Not all our listeners
know the make-up of all football teams by heart.
He's from FC Enkenburg too, just as the leader Mike Wijnlekoe, a
cousin of a cousin of his; or a brother, if you prefer. Before the match
Wijnlekoe said that there's no doubt that his team is going to win. He
told me in confidence that he'd even stake his wife on it. As soon as
they're scoring I'll let you know. So, stay tuned.
At the end of her lecture she urged the people who are badly in need of a
microcredit to have a good deal of faith in Our Lord above all.
Unbelievable, incredible, so soon again: another goal for
William Bi, just as the first one by Maurice de Koning. Terrific!
A street name committee
" We continue with news from the capital.
For the time being the Dam in Amsterdam will not be renamed.
As you all know this is the central square where the Royal Palace, the
world-famous Town Hall during the Golden Age of the Dutch Republic, is
Claus, a bunch of supporters of FC Haveneiland call the referee an
ass'ole and a shit'ead. It proves that those from Aveneiland have learned
how to drop their balls from dropping their h's!
That is a cheap and rude joke, Nico. May I assume that you yourself hail
from Haarlem, where everyone speaks General Civilised Dutch?
No, Claus, I am sorry to inform you that I ail from Hamsterdam.
Okay, enough silly talk for now.
Come back as soon as you have got something serious to report.
Once again, for the time being the Dam will not be named after John Round,
but will keep its centuries-old name.
The John Round Association has made an urgent appeal to the Amsterdam
Street Name Committee, together with the John Round Welfare Foundation,
the John Round University, the John Round Academy and the John Round
College, but as yet to no avail.
The Committee acknowledges the unsurpassed merits of Holland's greatest
football and soccer player of all time for Europe and the city of
Amsterdam, and is full of praise for the attempts made by the John Round
entities to honour him where and when an opportunity arises.
Nevertheless, greatly to its regret, the Committee cannot, in the present
period, grant the request, because streets, squares, parks and other such
public spaces are under no condition to be named after persons who are
But should Mr Round, this most stalwart son of our Fatherland, ever die,
which Heaven forbid, then the Committee will be exceedingly pleased to
consider the same and similar proposals again without having to tamper with
One can always reach the Committee at its office, which is located next to
the Olympias Park in the Princess Irene Street.
At this moment, however, a Round Square is still a sheer impossibility.
" While in these dreadful times of international terror science
is almost powerless in the presence of little aboveground beings inspired
by religious anti-science, an institute of Wageningen University has
managed to take on an expert who is able to determine by means of a
divining rod the role of gnomes and earth rays in the energy balance of
biological dairy farms. Now that these gnomes have penetrated regular
science, it is expected that there will also be much more sympathy for
people such as the British Crown Prince Charles, who talks to plants, and
the Dutch Princess Irene, who does the same with trees.
The Wageningen sociologist Dawee-Braak predicts that the modern trend among
upper-crust children to enter into relations with gnomes will only grow
Figures of the Central Statistical Bureau show ...
Unfortunately, we will have to keep you waiting a moment: there is a
warning about a ghost drover.
On the road from Rekken to Eibergen in the Province of Guelders a
ghost drover has been spotted in the vicinity of the Berkel farms.
Please, stay on the inner lane, do not overtake and try to warn the
drover by flashing your headlights.
I repeat: on the road from Rekken to Eibergen in the Province of Guelders
a ghost drover has been spotted in the vicinity of the Berkel farms.
Please, stay on the inner lane, do not overtake and flash your lights at
them ... at him or her.
End of message.
Back to our programme. As I said, CSB figures show that in practice the
gnomes we are talking about are not male, as you might think, but usually
female. Moreover, they are often gnomes without any noble roots. It is
especially girl-gnomes who stay in the neighbourhood of the gardens of
palaces and majestic villas, on sites where others are not allowed to
build, who stand a good chance of a very sunny life; at any rate from the
first of March, the beginning of Spring. This has been established
scientifically by Gregorian meteorologists."
Floods in Asia
" Her Majesty the Queen has sent a telegram to the heads of
state of India, Bangladesh and Sri Lanka in which she expresses her
sympathy with the victims of the disaster which has struck these countries.
Premier De Enkenbal has sent a telegram as well to the heads of government
of these countries. In India, Bangladesh and Sri Lanka floods killed a
great number of people yesterday. An even greater number of people were
wounded and, in the areas worst effected, almost all lost their homes.
Estimates are ...
3 – 0!
3 – 0!
Finally Jean Dapper of FC Haveneiland managed to force his way
through the defence of William Bi.
At least Dapper's up to something. Great!
But that Weed guy's a disaster. What a disaster he is!
Donation experts consider it unfortunate that Providence has decided to not
have the floods occur at Christmas or Boxing Day, not even on a different
religious holiday, this time. Moreover, there are, as far as known, no
Western tourists among the dead either. While Islamic victims will be aided
by the Red Crescent and the few Jewish victims by the Red Star of David,
all non-Jewish, non-Islamic victims will accrue to the Red Cross, so long
as there do not yet exist a Red Clockwise Swastika, Red Lotus, Red Hammer
and Sickle, Red Raising-Both-His-Arms Human, et cetera, something that is
prohibited by the Abrahamite Geneva Conventions. In our country the
collection will be taken care of by the Dutch branch under the direction of
Princess Grietmar. The Municipality of Amsterdam has already granted her
three children and their spouses permanent parking permits for relief
Meanwhile, the religion has been established of all casualties among the
cricket players and spectators in a town near the India-Bangladesh border,
so that they, too, can be helped without further problems. The two cricket
teams had the courage to keep on playing until both the umpires had drowned
and the stadium collapsed. At that moment six players of the one team and
five of the other had already disappeared. Premier De Enkenbal takes their
terrible fate to heart, and has proposed the plan that Dutch companies
build a modern stadium paid for by our national government, so that the
local population will have to do without a stadium no longer than
absolutely necessary. He has also a good suggestion for the name of the new
stadium: The Olympias Stadium. In this name both the continuity
between the past and the present and the bond between the two Eurasian
continents would be most aptly remembered. "
A creative cabinet minister
" The Minister of Education, Mary van der Hoeven, has informed
Parliament that secondary schools can easily do with less mathematics.
She has ordered her civil servants to calculate everything carefully and it
has turned out that the hours saved in this
Yes, Zwolle here. This time it's Van Ballegoy who teaches XYZ a
lesson back. Boy, boy, XYZ seem to be at the end of their resources. They
live on their past and that's why they're still ahead with 3 – 2.
It's getting more and more exciting every minute now.
As I said, the Minister of Education has come to the conclusion that
secondary schools can do with less mathematics.
It has turned out that the hours and the money which can be saved on
mathematics correspond miraculously with the hours and the money which will
soon be needed for instructing the pupils in ...
We are going back to the match between William Bi and
It doesn't stop, it doesn't stop!
For the second time Weed of Haveneiland has made the ball sail into his
Did anyone explain the rules to him?
I'm sure that wimp also writes from left to right.
For the second time, the second time, he made the ball sail into
Haveneiland's own net.
No wonder that some of Haveneiland's fans ask for a weed-killer.
The score is now 3 – −1, a
difference of 2 points.
Nico, you mean 4 points in favour of William Bi.
Yes, of course, Claus, but I try to keep it as short as possible for
Back to the studio.
So, the money which will become available by decreasing the number of hours
of mathematics can be devoted perfectly to the increase of the number of
hours of biology necessary to fulfill Mary's wish to add creation science
to the school curriculum. "
A Multicritical Faculty
" So long as nothing seems to be happening on the football
pitches, we have some time for news from the humanities as well. At the
University of Amsterdam a number of philosophy students and lecturers have
argued for the formation of a Multicultural Faculty.
They think it wrong, for instance, that something like the civilisation of
the sharia is considered the opposite of the Dutch civilisation, which has
Ah, there is some action again at the football front.
Yes, Claus, I have to interrupt you urgently. After the match between
William Bi and FC Haveneiland fierce fights broke out in and
around the Van Heutsz Stadium. It seems that the riots started because the
supporters of Haveneiland kept on claiming that they had lost by only 2
points, whereas the Williamites maintained that the difference was at least
Supporters of both teams then began to pelt one another with beer bottles
and bricks. A hefty number of people have already been wounded,
and some say that four people were killed. However, others say that that is
exaggerated and that there are only two critically injured men. As soon as
I know more, Claus, I'll be back.
Alas, alas, why do one or two spoilsports always have to mar our pleasure
in football again.
Where were we? Oh, yes, the civilisation of the sharia is always considered
the opposite of the civilisation of the Netherlands, which has been imbued
with centuries of Calvinistic self-control.
Instead of this ...
Terrific, fantastic, they're in a draw: a goal by Drewan
Zwemmer! You wouldn't think it possible; against XYZ who didn't lose one
match last season. Perhaps, they've become a little bit too self-confident.
From the very beginning the XYZ supporters, who were supposed to act the
host to ABC, started to challenge their guests with battle cries like:
"Show your guts A Bee Cee / The loo's no place to be".
Talking about 'fair play'! But those from Coevorden don't let XYZ walk all
over them either and they're calling back:
"Down with Ex Why Zed / They're fat and misled".
That fat probably refers especially to their keeper Stonwin
After all the Amstel stout of the past victories that his mates have
poured into him, that bloke's clearly grown a size too big, while he used
to be as thin as a rake.
It seems that nobody here can control himself anymore.
Instead of this the students at the U of A who came up with the proposal
try to understand the Islamic legislation as much as possible from the
point of view of its own internal logic. Such a Multicritical Faculty would
be a great asset in our multicultural society. One need not be a
mathematical economist in order to understand that the total of Dutch
possessions, power, influence and respect is still far from being divided
equally over the believers of the Abrahamite religions. And one need not be
a philosophical ethicist to understand that this is entirely unfair, unless
one would advocate a reprehensible utilitarian morality in which the rights
of citizens and their mutual equality are subordinated to the greatest
utility in the shape of something like the general good or national
interest. We are going back to the Van Heutsz Stadium.
Claus, meanwhile I've got hold of a police spokeswoman. She says that
no-one has been killed so far and that there is only one critically
injured man who will have to do without two balls the rest of his life.
The strange thing is that he appears to have been attacked by supporters
of his very own team.
At this moment the spokeswoman is not yet prepared to tell us who he is,
as the police have not been able to inform his wife yet.
Neighbours say that during football games the woman is always staying at a
place unbeknownst to them, where she's believed to get plenty of attention.
That's the latest news for now.
The Union of Orangist Associations warmly applauds the proposed
establishment of a Multicritical Faculty in the country's capital.
Firstly, it will increase the number of honorary doctorates suitable to be
conferred on members of the Royal Family.
The Union insists that Prince Alexander, successor to the throne, be
awarded the first doctorate, at a time when he is not on holiday, for
his exceptionally multicritical insight into the relationship between
democratic commitment and the role of actively starting and maintaining
personal relations which both effectually and symbolically enhance such a
commitment. And, secondly, such a faculty will, by means of constructive
fundamental research, be able to produce decisive proof of the internal
logic of our own kingdom's legislation, in particular as it relates to
Article 1 of the Constitution.
(This Article guarantees equal treatment to all and forbids discrimination
on the basis of whatever factor). "
Royal Cross or Crotch
" The monthly magazine Royal Cross has lost the lawsuit which
Prince Sofri had started against it and has been fined 250,002 euros and
50 cents. Royal Cross was founded right after the Second World War to
celebrate the intimate and unbreakable historic bond between the House of
Orange and the Christian religion in words and pictures. Since then it has
changed considerably and nowadays the magazine is equally frequently, but
much more informally, referred to as 'the Royal Crotch'.
In its January issue Royal Cross deeply offended and infinitely insulted
Prince Sofri by stating that he would have spent the entire Christmas Eve
with one particular person in a stable on the banks of the Berkel river
in the east of Guelders. As if this insinuation was not distasteful enough
in itself, the magazine also refused, contrary to its own usual practice,
to release the sex of the person, whereas it did mention, for utterly
dubious reasons, that the person in question had a clean record and not any
connection with the underworld. On a sound fragment recorded by a niece of
the queen one can hear how one of her aunts loudly stamps her feet on the
wooden floor upon being told of the news, meanwhile announcing that 'a
little devil had crept into the once God-fearing Royal Cross' or 'Crotch'
— which of the two she used is not entirely clear, because of all
the background noise.
The whole of the Netherlands, and certainly the Royal Cross magazine, knows
that what is suggested in the article, or at any rate not one
hundred per cent excluded, was officially and expressly declared untrue and
absolutely impossible by the Government Information Service well before the
marriage of Prince Sofri and Princess Belma by order of Her Majesty
personally. There is an announcement again about the ghost drover.
The warning about the ghost drover between Rekken and Eibergen has been
withdrawn. The drover, who was said to be coming the wrong way, has not
been found. I repeat: there has never been a ghost drover between Rekken
The judge has imposed a heavy 250,000-euro fine on the publisher of the
magazine: 50,000 euros for making up in public the most unsavoury place for
an intimate event of whatever nature, 50,000 euros for making up in public
a nonexistent extramarital partner, and 150,000 euros for keeping the sex
of that partner secret in public.
On top of this all the publisher was fined two and a half euros,
ABC! ABC! ABC's won with another goal by Van Ballegoy
against XYZ. Look at him: he's created for it, that lad; a sturdy fellow
who's made a real thriller of this match.
In this way ABC will end up in the First Division. For they claimed in
another article in the same issue, with many concrete examples, that Prince
Sofri would not have any sense of justice and solidarity, let alone of
something like sincerity towards the crowds on a special occasion such as
the Queen's Birthday, when the whole Royal Family puts in a public
So long as it is still possible
After having been looking for it for a long time, the Dutch Royal Library
at The Hague has found back the copy of the
which it had in its possession. For months the Royal Secret Service had
repeatedly been demanding inspection, because it contains a section that
as a plural-exclusivist political ideology with usually strong
Rumor has it that the section proves the need of a complete separation of
state and monarchy, in which case the entire Orangery of the Netherlands
would have to be privatised.
This would mean that the Union of Orangist Associations would have to bear
the cost of the maintenance of the Royal Family themselves and that titles
such as Prince and Princess, which are still kept up by
government interference at the moment, would become purely private matters,
no different from what they are in carnaval clubs.
And just like everyone may buy the Orange paraphernalia sold by the firm of
Blokker or may give it a wide berth without paying anything for it.
The Model of Neutral-Inclusivity was found back in the Orange Vault, which
is reserved for extremely precious works of literature and philosophy,
among which all documents dating from before the invention of printing by
the Dutchman Laurens Jansz Coster.
The book itself mentions 41 as the year of publication, and that is why a
conscientious, unsuspecting employee of the Royal Library had classified it
as belonging to the first century of the Christian Era.
On closer internal inspection though it appeared that the year mentioned in
the book is the number of years after the end of the Second World War, so
that it was not published until the end of the last millennium.
Therefore it has been removed immediately from the Orange Vault, where it
enjoyed the company of Lonely, But Not Alone by the late Queen
Claus, Claus, it's Peter Weed! Everyone says it. Only the police inform
us they can neither confirm nor deny the rumour, so long as Mr Weed's wife
has not been found yet. So, the two heavy casualties turn out to relate to
one dope of a Weed.
Of course, it's a little bit sad for Peter, so many disasters in a row,
even though that chap has nothing to complain about his wife.
The other day I saw her with the chairman of FC Haveneiland.
Jesus, what a gorgeous blonde with a truly impressive pair of
Well, I'll tell you at another time, when we're not on the air.
No-one was killed and therefore it was an excellent game all the same.
Back to the studio.
After it has been returned by the Royal Secret Service the Model of
Neutral-Inclusivity will be put into the cheapest orange Blokker box
The box will then be taken to a spot in the Kingdom as far away as possible
from the Prince Alexander Court in The Hague, where the library is located.
They have in mind Saint Eustatius in the Dutch Caribbean, so long as
it is still possible. "
" The request for a small microcredit loan by the professional
fisherman from Scheveningen (in the municipality of The Hague) who was hit
by another car in front of Huis ten Bosch (the Queen's residential palace)
has been turned down. The fisherman spent months in hospital after the
accident and claimed that the circumstances forced him to enlist the help
of Professor Steinloon LL.M, a specialist in Elhanan-versus-Goliath cases.
Between parentheses, I add for those who do not know the Bible anymore, or
only through untrue translations, that Elhanan is the unknown little man
from 2 Samuel 21:19 who defeated the famous giant Goliath. He decided
to enter into battle with the immensely rich relatives of the person
responsible for the accident, because they refused, with the support of the
Public Prosecutor, to ...
Dear listeners, we're sorry to interrupt you again. It appears that
Van Ballegoy is feeling more than a bit off-colour after his last shot.
He can't even walk anymore. There seems to be no connection between this
temporal collapse and his achievements, which have been formidable until
now. That chap may thank God on bent knees that he shot first and became
It is bended, Herman, not bent — the situation is
awkward enough as it is.
Brave it out, Van Ballegoy, and get well soon!
Where were we? Oh, yes, the person and family in question refused to pay
one cent in compensation. The result of all this is that the professional
fisherman would now need financial assistance in order to be able to keep
both his own head and that of his company above water. The government has
rejected the request arguing that the Scheveningen fisher had no business
being at the particular spot, 6 kilometres removed from the coast, at the
particular time on the particular day, that he has no sense of the social
right-of-way rules in the Netherlands, and that microcredit is not meant to
finance individual actions of a disputable nature ex post facto.
We are going again to Gerard de Graaf, from whom who have not heard for a
That's right, Claus, because I'm sorry to let you know that it has
turned out a sad spectacle here.
After playing three quarters of an hour, the score is still 0 – 0
for FC Enkenburg.
Mike Wijnlekoe, the leader, is heavily disappointed with the score at
He and his wife Christina have been praying to God for a long time and
were sure that their club was going to win, because those half-German
field rats from Kerkrade and Something are of the wrong church.
But now Christina is afraid that the Lord is keeping aloof from it; even
worse, that He might be neutral.
Mike has threatened that if the Lord is neutral in a matter of the highest
importance such as football, that the Biblical God is no real Man then.
In that case Mike will convert irreversibly to Islam tomorrow morning at
sunrise in order to become a member of Al Qaida. He will be pleased to
change his surname into Bin El Qu to boot. The future Mrs Bin El Qu
doesn't take this too seriously, because her husband appears to have made
this threat several times before. Football may be the only nice and
exciting pursuit that is kept free from sin by the Mother of all Books, and
therefore his greatest passion. However, she did want to know if I would
absolutely not broadcast their words on television. To my question whether
I was allowed to bring this on the radio, she replied that that would be
According to the very devout Mike and Christina God only watches
television, because that is forbidden. If I were God, I wouldn't listen to
a match like this one on the radio either. With the exception of the one
blunder at the beginning nothing has happened: no action in the field, no
action on the stand. For the crowd is also behaving in an exemplary way.
So, off now, and back to the studio before someone pulls out.
We have learnt from informed sources that the Cabinet thinks it is an
unheard-of scandal that the Scheveningen fisherman has applied for a
microcredit loan in order to embark on his personal project with an
expensive lawyer. According to other sources very close to Premier De
Enkenbal, he is reported to have called the fisherman 'a heartless
swordshark without values and norms', when he was summoned to the presence
of Queen Olympias. Moreover, the fisher would obviously have no faith in
Our Lord whatsoever; otherwise he would not have wished to start such a
legal case. Thereupon, it is said, the head of state and the prime minister
drank a cup of tea to the successful outcome of Prince Sofri's lawsuit
against the detestable totally deranged magazine Royal Cross. At the
discussion of long-term affairs of state which followed they were no less
of one mind when it was decided that the publisher of the magazine need not
count on receiving the designation Royal in the year
" In a few minutes, after the 8 o' clock news, the international
Holland-Sockerstan will be broadcast in its entirety. After the emergency
naturalisation of Kofi Lucky from Ghana last Friday, this promises to be an
extremely exciting match with great consequences for our Orange national
team and, evidently, for our whole country. The regular weekly programme
Radio-Online with information about the Internet will therefore not be
broadcast half, like last week, but will be cancelled