Vincent van Mechelen


This is Radio One, the most important public radio channel of the Netherlands 3 :

Let's be pleased now
" Dear listeners, sorry for the interruption, but I'm certain you'll not mind, for one of our boys is scoring again at the football match between William Bi from Breda (in the Province of Brabant) and FC Haveneiland from Antwerp (in the Dutch-speaking part of Belgium).
Yeah, Claus, a brilliant goal by Leo Priest for William Bi. The score is now ... 2 – −1. I'll keep it as short as possible: back to the studio.

Before this interruption we were talking about the luxury we enjoy nowadays. The Dutch like to complain and easily forget that they live in a free country, where no-one is being persecuted because of the colour of his skin, his religion or other convictions. Anyone ploughing their way through 'The Kingdom of the Netherlands in the Second World War', the 14-volume series by Louis de Jong, will realise how well-off we are at present.

While the information from the German occupying forces was slanted and ideologically coloured in those days, we were fortunately still able to listen to Radio Orange in London, where De Jong was a reporter and manager. Some blame Radio Orange for never having told the country that the Nazis had started to systematically exterminate a part of our population, but such a warning would definitely not have cheered up the great majority of listeners who were not going to be killed. Radio Orange was not meant for this kind of reporting; on the contrary, it was expressly used by the late Queen Wilhelmina to put fresh heart into the nation. The ongoing genocide, known from 1942, did not fit into this scheme.

At the moment ABC is playing away against XYZ in Zwolle (in the Province of Overijssel), where Herman Letter covers the match.
You thought it impossible, Claus: finally ABC scored a goal against XYZ; their first. XYZ are still in the lead with 3 – 1, but are they ever falling back! XYZ thought they had a secure position, but anything may still happen to them.

This detail does not occur in The Kingdom of the Netherlands, but everyone will have to acknowledge how difficult it was for De Jong and even the ministers to work under the authority of Queen Wilhelmina, the only 'man' in the government.

Before the war, this very determined woman had refused a refugee camp in her back yard, at a distance of 15 kilometres from her holiday palace in the wooded central-eastern part of the country. Yes, this royal nimby managed to redirect it to a place far away in one of the northern provinces. During the war, she refused categorically to leave for the Netherlands East Indies, which were still unoccupied by enemy troops, because, as she said, the hot climate would finish her off. (That's how she was: in 1928 she wanted to go on a holiday in cool Norway and have the opening of the Olympic Games at summery Amsterdam postponed for her.) Moreover, one may suspect, the East Indies had become less attractive to this queen, because her best friend Joannes van Heutsz, under whose regime in the colony 70,000 insurgents were slaughtered, was gone and dead, with a state funeral (and, between parentheses, a clever son who joined the Nazi SS). Also the news of this refusal, and its reason, Radio Orange never imparted to its listeners, for this kind of information might only have heated things up and it certainly would not have put good courage into the citizens of the low countries either.

If the monarch herself did not see about it, the others would be silent of their own accord. This was the situation during the war and there was no-one complaining then. Let's be pleased now. "
Máximal faith
" Today Princess Máxima (the wife of the heir apparent) delivered an impressive lecture about microcredits at a university in Argentine. She was wearing ...
Claus, the score is really 2 – minus 1. I checked it with a colleague. So not 2 – 1 but 2 – −1.
Yes, Nico, a child of three can see that: if the score was 1 – −1 and the Williamites score a second goal against FC Haveneiland, then the score is now 2 – −1 in favour of William Bi. And that is all thanks to Priest. She was wearing a brilliant dress made of five different fabrics and a pagoda-shaped hat in three layers.

We are going to our reporter at the match between FC Enkenburg and Kerkrade-Herzogenrath United, Gerard de Graaf.
There hasn't been a goal yet, Claus. One time Kees Wijnlekoe of FC Enkenburg almost managed to score, but the ball bounced against Steef Wijnlekoe's bottom and since then ...
To which club does Steef Wijnlekoe belong, Gerard? Not all our listeners know the make-up of all football teams by heart.
He's from FC Enkenburg too, just as the leader Mike Wijnlekoe, a cousin of a cousin of his; or a brother, if you prefer. Before the match Wijnlekoe said that there's no doubt that his team is going to win. He told me in confidence that he'd even stake his wife on it. As soon as they're scoring I'll let you know. So, stay tuned.

Fine. At the end of her lecture she urged the people who are badly in need of a microcredit to have a good deal of faith in Our Lord above all.
Unbelievable, incredible, so soon again: another goal for William Bi, just as the first one by Maurits de Koning. Terrific! Fantastic! "
A street name committee
" We continue with news from the capital. For the time being the Dam, Amsterdam's main square, will not be renamed.
Claus, a bunch of supporters of FC Haveneiland call the referee an ass'ole and a shit'ead. It proves that those from Aveneiland have learned how to drop their balls from dropping their h's!
That is a cheap and rude joke, Nico. May I assume that you yourself hail from Haarlem, where everyone speaks General Civilised Dutch?
No, Claus, I am sorry to inform you that I ail from Hamsterdam.
Okay, enough nonsense for now. Come back as soon as you have got something serious to report.

Once again, for the time being the Dam will not be renamed 'Hanjo Kruif Square'. The Hanjo Kruif Association had made an urgent appeal to the Amsterdam Street Name Committee, together with the Hanjo Kruif Welfare Foundation, the Hanjo Kruif University, the Hanjo Kruif Academy and the Hanjo Kruif College, but unfortunately to no avail. The Committee acknowledges the unsurpassed merits of Holland's greatest football player of all time for Europe and the city of Amsterdam, and is full of praise for the Hanjo Kruif entities to honour him where and when it is possible. Nevertheless, the Committee cannot grant the request at this moment, however much the Committee regrets it, because streets, squares, parks and other such public spaces are under no condition to be named after persons who are still alive. But should Hanjo Kruif ever die, which Heaven forbid, then the Committee will be exceedingly pleased to consider the same and similar proposals again without having to tamper with its principles. One can always reach the Committee at its office, which is located next to the Olympias Park in the Princess Irene Street. "
Gnomes (m/f)
" While in these dreadful times of international terror science is almost powerless in the presence of little aboveground beings inspired by religious anti-science, an institute of Wageningen University has managed to take on an expert who is able to determine by means of a divining rod the role of gnomes and earth rays in the energy balance of biological dairy farms. Now that these gnomes have penetrated regular science, it is expected that there will also be much more sympathy for people such as the British Crown Prince Charles, who talks to plants, and Princess Irene, who does the same with trees.

The Wageningen sociologist Dawee-Braak predicts that the modern trend among upper-crust children to enter into relations with gnomes will only grow stronger. Figures of the Central Statistical Bureau show ... Unfortunately, we will have to keep you waiting a moment: there is a warning about a ghost drover.
On the road from Rekken to Eibergen in the Province of Guelders a ghost drover has been spotted in the vicinity of the Berkel farms. Please, stay on the inner lane, do not overtake and try to warn the drover by flashing your headlights. I repeat: on the road from Rekken to Eibergen in the Province of Guelders a ghost drover has been spotted in the vicinity of the Berkel farms. Please, stay on the inner lane, do not overtake and flash your lights at them ... at him or her. End of message.

Back to our programme. As I said, CSB figures show that in practice the gnomes we are talking about are not male, as you might think, but usually female. Moreover, they are often gnomes without any noble roots. It is especially girl-gnomes who stay in the neighbourhood of the gardens of palaces and majestic villas, on sites where others are not allowed to build, who stand a good chance of a very sunny life; at any rate from the first of March, the beginning of Spring. This has been established scientifically by Gregorian meteorologists."
Floods in Asia
" Her Majesty the Queen has sent a telegram to the heads of state of India, Bangladesh and Sri Lanka in which she expresses her sympathy with the victims of the disaster which has struck these countries. Premier De Enkenbal has sent a telegram as well to the heads of government of these countries. In India, Bangladesh and Sri Lanka floods killed a great number of people yesterday. An even greater number of people were wounded and, in the areas worst effected, almost all lost their homes. Estimates are ...
3 – 0! 3 – 0! Finally Jean Dapper of FC Haveneiland managed to force his way through the defence of William Bi. At least Dapper's up to something. Great! But that Weed guy's a disaster. What a disaster he is!

Donation experts consider it unfortunate that Providence has decided to not have the floods occur at Christmas or Boxing Day, not even on a different religious holiday, this time. Moreover, there are, as far as known, no Western tourists among the dead either. While Islamic victims will be aided by the Red Crescent and the few Jewish victims by the Red Star of David, all non-Jewish, non-Islamic victims will accrue to the Red Cross, so long as there do not yet exist a Red Clockwise Swastika, Red Lotus, Red Hammer and Sickle, Red Raising-Both-His-Arms Human, et cetera, something that is prohibited by the Abrahamite Geneva Conventions. In our country the collection will be taken care of by the Dutch branch under the direction of Princess Grietmar. The Municipality of Amsterdam has already granted her three children and their spouses permanent parking permits for relief workers.

Meanwhile, the religion has been established of all casualties among the cricket players and spectators in a town near the India-Bangladesh border, so that they, too, can be helped without further problems. The two cricket teams had the courage to keep on playing until both the umpires had drowned and the stadium collapsed. At that moment six players of the one team and five of the other had already disappeared. Premier De Enkenbal takes their terrible fate to heart, and has proposed the plan that Dutch companies build a modern stadium paid for by our national government, so that the local population will have to do without a stadium no longer than absolutely necessary. He has also a good suggestion for the name of the new stadium: The Olympias Stadium. In this name both the continuity between the past and the present and the bond between the two Eurasian continents would be most aptly remembered. "
A creative minister
" The Minister of Education, Mary van der Hoeven, has informed Parliament that secondary schools can easily do with less mathematics. She has ordered her civil servants to calculate everything carefully and it has turned out that the hours saved in this way ...
Yes, Zwolle here. This time it's Van Ballegoy who teaches XYZ a lesson back. Boy, boy, XYZ seem to be at the end of their resources. They live on their past and that's why they're still ahead with 3 – 2. It's getting more and more exciting every minute now.

As I said, the Minister of Education has come to the conclusion that secondary schools can do with less mathematics. It has turned out that the hours and the money which can be saved on mathematics correspond miraculously with the hours and the money which will soon be needed for instructing the pupils in ... We are going back to the match between William Bi and FC Haveneiland.
It doesn't stop, it doesn't stop! For the second time Weed of Haveneiland has made the ball sail into his own goal. Did anyone explain the rules to him? I'm sure that wimp also writes from left to right. For the second time, the second time, he made the ball sail into Haveneiland's own goal. No wonder that some of Haveneiland's fans ask for a weed-killer. The score is now 3 – 1, a difference of 2 points.
Nico, you mean 4 points in favour of William Bi.
Yes, of course, Claus, but I try to keep it as short as possible for you people. Back to the studio.
So, the money which will become available by decreasing the number of hours of mathematics can be devoted perfectly to the increase of the number of hours of biology necessary to fulfill Mary's wish to add creation science to the school curriculum. "
A Multicritical Faculty
" So long as nothing seems to be happening on the football pitches, we have some time for news from the humanities as well. At the University of Amsterdam a number of philosophy students and lecturers have argued for the formation of a Multicultural Faculty. They think it wrong, for instance, that something like the civilisation of the sharia is considered the opposite of the Dutch civilisation, which has been ... Ah, there is some action again at the football front.
Yes, Claus, I have to interrupt you urgently. After the match between William Bi and FC Haveneiland fierce fights broke out in and around the Van Heutsz Stadium. It seems that the riots started because the supporters of Haveneiland kept on claiming that they had lost by only 2 points, whereas the Williamites maintained that the difference was at least 4 points. Supporters of both teams then began to pelt one another with beer-cans and bricks. A hefty number of people have already been wounded, and some say that four people were killed. However, others say that that is exaggerated and that there are only two critically injured men. As soon as I know more, Claus, I'll be back.
Alas, alas, why do one or two spoilsports always have to mar our pleasure in football again.

Where were we? Oh, yes, the civilisation of the sharia is always considered the opposite of the civilisation of the Netherlands, which has been imbued with centuries of Calvinistic self-control. Instead of this ...
Terrific, fantastic, they're in a draw: a goal by Dries de Ridder! You wouldn't think it possible; against XYZ who didn't lose one match last season. Perhaps, they've become a little bit too self-confident. From the very beginning the XYZ supporters, who were supposed to act the host to ABC, started to challenge their guests with battle cries like:
  "Show your guts A Bee Cee / The loo's no place to be".
Talking about 'fair play'! But those from Coevorden don't let XYZ walk all over them either and they're calling back:
  "Down with Ex Why Zed / They're fat and misled".
fat probably refers especially to their keeper Stonwin Stickbroom. After all the Stelam stout of the past victories that his mates have poured into him, he's clearly grown a size too big, while he used to be as thin as a rake. It seems that nobody can control themselves anymore here.

Instead of this the students at the U of A who came up with the proposal try to understand the Islamic legislation as much as possible from the point of view of its own internal logic. Such a Multicritical Faculty would be a great asset in our multicultural society. One need not be a mathematical economist in order to understand that the total of Dutch possessions, power, influence and respect is still far from being divided equally over the believers of the Abrahamite religions. And one need not be a philosophical ethicist to understand that this is entirely unfair, unless one would advocate a reprehensible utilitarian morality in which the rights of citizens and their mutual equality are subordinated to the greatest utility in the shape of something like the general good or national interest. We are going back to the Van Heutsz Stadium.
Claus, meanwhile I've got hold of a police spokeswoman. She says that no-one has been killed so far and that there is only one critically injured man who will have to do without two balls the rest of his life. The strange thing is that he appears to have been attacked by supporters of his very own team. At this moment the spokeswoman is not yet prepared to tell us who he is, as the police have not been able to inform his wife yet. Neighbours say that during football games the woman is always staying at a place unbeknownst to them, where she's believed to get plenty of attention. That's the latest news for now.

The Union of Orangist Associations warmly applauds the proposed establishment of a Multicritical Faculty in the country's capital. Firstly, it will increase the number of honorary doctorates suitable to be conferred on members of the Royal Family. The Union insists that Prince Alexander, successor to the throne, be awarded the first doctorate, at a time when he is not on holiday, for his exceptionally multicritical insight into the relationship between democratic commitment and the role of actively starting and maintaining personal relations which both effectually and symbolically enhance such a commitment. And, secondly, such a faculty will, by means of constructive fundamental research, be able to produce decisive proof of the internal logic of our own kingdom's legislation, in particular as it relates to Article 1 of the Constitution. (This Article promises equal treatment to all and forbids discrimination on the basis of whatever factor). "
Royal Cross or Crotch
" The monthly magazine Royal Cross has lost the lawsuit which Prince Sofri had started against it and has been fined 250,002 euros and 50 cents. Royal Cross was founded right after the Second World War to celebrate the intimate and unbreakable historic bond between the House of Orange and the Christian religion in words and pictures. Since then it has changed considerably and nowadays the magazine is equally frequently, but much more informally, referred to as 'the Royal Crotch'.

In its January issue Royal Cross deeply offended and infinitely insulted Prince Sofri by stating that he would have spent the entire Christmas Eve with one particular person in a stable on the banks of the Berkel river in the east of Guelders. As if this insinuation was not distasteful enough in itself, the magazine also refused, contrary to its own usual practice, to release the sex of the person, whereas it did mention, for utterly dubious reasons, that the person in question had a clean record and not any connection with the underworld. On a sound fragment recorded by a niece of the queen one can hear how one of her aunts loudly stamps her feet on the wooden floor upon being told of the news, meanwhile announcing that 'a little devil had crept into the once God-fearing Royal Cross' or 'Crotch' --which of the two she used is not entirely clear, because of all the background noise.

The whole of the Netherlands, and certainly the Royal Cross magazine, knows that what is suggested in the article, or at any rate not one hundred per cent excluded, was officially and expressly declared untrue and absolutely impossible by the Government Information Service well before the marriage of Prince Sofri and Princess Belma by order of Her Majesty personally. There is an announcement again about the ghost drover.
The warning about the ghost drover between Rekken and Eibergen has been withdrawn. The drover, who was said to be coming the wrong way, has not been found. I repeat: there has never been a ghost drover between Rekken and Eibergen.

The judge has imposed a heavy 250,000-euro fine on the publisher of the magazine: 50,000 euros for making up in public the most unsavoury place for an intimate event of whatever nature, 50,000 euros for making up in public a nonexistent extramarital partner, and 150,000 euros for keeping the sex of that partner secret in public. On top of this all the publisher was fined two and a half euros, because ...
ABC! ABC! ABC's won with another goal by Van Ballegoy against XYZ. Look at him: he's created for it, that lad; a sturdy fellow who's made a real thriller of this match.
In this way ABC will end up in the First Division. For they claimed in another article in the same issue, with many concrete examples, that Prince Sofri would not have any sense of justice and solidarity, let alone of something like sincerity towards the crowds on a special occasion such as the Queen's Birthday, when the whole Royal Family puts in a public appearance. "
So long as it is still possible
" After having been looking for it for a long time, the Dutch Royal Library at The Hague has found back the copy of the which it had in its possession. For months the Royal Secret Service had repeatedly been demanding inspection, because it contains a section that treats of as a plural-exclusivist political ideology with usually strong supernaturalist ties. Rumor has it that the section proves the need of a complete separation of state and monarchy, in which case the entire Orangery of the Netherlands would have to be privatised. This would mean that the Union of Orangist Associations would have to bear the cost of the maintenance of the Royal Family themselves and that titles such as Prince and Princess, which are still kept up by government interference at the moment, would become purely private matters, no different from what they are in carnaval clubs. And just like everyone may buy the Orange paraphernalia sold by the firm of Blokker or may give it a wide berth without paying anything for it.

The Model of Neutral-Inclusivity was found back in the Orange Vault, which is reserved for extremely precious works of literature and philosophy, among which all documents dating from before the invention of printing by the Dutchman Laurens Jansz Coster. The book itself mentions 41 as the year of publication, and that is why a conscientious, unsuspecting employee of the Royal Library had classified it as belonging to the first century of the Christian Era. On closer internal inspection though it appeared that the year mentioned in the book is the number of years after the end of the Second World War, so that it was not published until the end of the last millennium. Therefore it has been removed immediately from the Orange Vault, where it enjoyed the company of Lonely, But Not Alone by the late Queen Wilhelmina.

Claus, Claus, it's Peter Weed! Everyone says it. Only the police inform us they can neither confirm nor deny the rumour, so long as Mr Weed's wife has not been found yet. So, the two heavy casualties turn out to relate to one dope of a Weed. Of course, it's a little bit sad for Peter, so many disasters in a row, even though that chap has nothing to complain about has wife. The other day I saw her with the chairman of FC Haveneiland. Jesus, what a gorgeous blonde with a truly impressive pair of football-size kno... Well, I'll tell you at another time, when we're not on the air. No-one was killed and therefore it was an excellent game all the same. Back to the studio.

After it has been returned by the Royal Secret Service the Model of Neutral-Inclusivity will be put into the cheapest orange Blokker box available. The box will then be taken to a spot in the Kingdom as far away as possible from the Prince Alexander Court in The Hague, where the library is located. They have in mind Saint Eustatius in the Dutch Caribbean, so long as it is still possible. "
Mìnimal credit
" The request for a small microcredit loan by the professional fisherman from Scheveningen (in the municipality of The Hague) who was hit by another car in front of Huis ten Bosch (the Queen's residential palace) has been turned down. The fisherman spent months in hospital after the accident and claimed that the circumstances forced him to enlist the help of Professor Steinloon LL.M, a specialist in Elhanan-versus-Goliath cases. Between parentheses, I add for those who do not know the Bible anymore, or only through untrue translations, that Elhanan is the unknown little man from 2 Samuel 21:19 who defeated the famous giant Goliath. He decided to enter into battle with the immensely rich relatives of the person responsible for the accident, because they refused, with the support of the Public Prosecutor, to ...
Dear listeners, we're sorry to interrupt you again. It appears that Van Ballegoy is feeling more than a bit off-colour after his last shot. He can't even walk anymore. There seems to be no connection between this temporal collapse and his achievements, which have been formidable until now. That chap may thank God on bent knees that he shot first and became unwell later.
It is bended, Herman, not bent — the situation is awkward enough as it is. Brave it out, Van Ballegoy, and get well soon!

Where were we? Oh, yes, the person and family in question refused to pay one cent in compensation. The result of all this is that the professional fisherman would now need financial assistance in order to be able to keep both his own head and that of his company above water. The government has rejected the request arguing that the Scheveningen fisher had no business being at the particular spot, 6 kilometres removed from the coast, at the particular time on the particular day, that he has no sense of the social right-of-way rules in the Netherlands, and that microcredit is not meant to finance individual actions of a disputable nature ex post facto.

We are going again to Gerard de Graaf, from whom who have not heard for a long time.
That's right, Claus, because I'm sorry to let you know that it has turned out a sad spectacle here. After playing three quarters of an hour, the score is still 0 – 0 for FC Enkenburg. Mike Wijnlekoe, the leader, is heavily disappointed with the score at this moment. He and his wife Christina have been praying to God for a long time and were sure that their club was going to win, because those half-German field rats from Kerkrade and Something are of the wrong church. But now Christina is afraid that the Lord is keeping aloof from it; even worse, that He might be neutral. Mike has threatened that if the Lord is neutral in a matter of the highest importance such as football, that the Biblical God is no real Man then. In that case Mike will convert irreversibly to Islam tomorrow morning at sunrise in order to become a member of Al Qaida. He will be pleased to change his surname into Bin El Qu to boot. The future Mrs Bin El Qu doesn't take this too seriously, because her husband appears to have made this threat several times before. Football may be the only nice and exciting pursuit that is kept free from sin by the Mother of all Books, and therefore his greatest passion. However, she did want to know if I would absolutely not broadcast their words on television. To my question whether I was allowed to bring this on the radio, she replied that that would be no problem. According to the very devout Mike and Christina God only watches television, because that is forbidden. If I were God, I wouldn't listen to a match like this one on the radio either. With the exception of the one blunder at the beginning nothing has happened: no action in the field, no action on the stand. For the crowd is also behaving in an exemplary way. So, off now, and back to the studio before someone pulls out.

We have learnt from informed sources that the Cabinet thinks it is an unheard-of scandal that the Scheveningen fisherman has applied for a microcredit loan in order to embark on his personal project with an expensive lawyer. According to other sources very close to Premier De Enkenbal, he is reported to have called the fisherman 'a heartless swordshark without values and norms', when he was summoned to the presence of Queen Olympias. Moreover, the fisher would obviously have no faith in Our Lord whatsoever; otherwise he would not have wished to start such a legal case. Thereupon, it is said, the head of state and the prime minister drank a cup of tea to the successful outcome of Prince Sofri's lawsuit against the detestable totally deranged magazine Royal Cross. At the discussion of long-term affairs of state which followed they were no less of one mind when it was decided that the publisher of the magazine need not count on receiving the designation Royal in the year 2046. "
Radio Off-the-air
" In a few minutes, after the 8 o' clock news, the international Holland-Sockerstan will be broadcast in its entirety. After the emergency naturalisation of Kofi Lucky from Ghana last Friday, this promises to be an extremely exciting match with great consequences for our Orange national team and, evidently, for our whole country. The regular weekly programme Radio-Online with information about the Internet will therefore not be broadcast half, like last week, but will be cancelled completely. "

At least, on the Internet a person decides for 'imself* what 'e* wants te read or watch or what 'e wants to listen to, of whatever sound or color*, and from whatever part of the world. Terrific! Fantastic!

1  Here the variant hotchpotch is preferred to hodgepodge, because it more closely resembles the word hutspot in the parallel version. (See below.)
2  Oranje Hutspot is de parallelversie van dit verhaal / is the parallel version of this story in Deze Taal.
3  As usual at this moment The Netherlands refers to the present kingdom of the Northern Netherlands here. This country covers the northern part of the divided Netherlands.
 *  Readers who are attentive enough will notice that it does not seem consistent to use the sex-neutral and -transcending third-person pronouns in a context where sex or gender is irrelevant, while using she and his at other places in contexts where sex is equally irrelevant. However, readers who are even more attentive will notice, and will have noticed long before, that the use of words, which may be sexually irrelevantistic or not, just as spelling and pronunciation, which may be 'conservative' or not, depend on the writer and speaker, or --in fiction more than anywhere else-- on the character of the person who is supposed to be writing or speaking. (See, for example, the preface to


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short stories