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Vincent van Mechelen

LOVERS' COMMENTS FROM THE DARK AGES



PUFFING SOMETHING POISONOUS

Says a handsome cowhand fresh as a daisy after a long session of passionate kissing in a moonlit haystack: "Am I glad I live in this day and age, 'cause thirteen centuries from now hordes of people will be puffing something poisonous called 'sickarettes' --that's how it sounds-- and they'll smell nasty when you kiss 'em and the rooms they're in will stink like dunghills burnt to ashes."


TRIED IN KATSINA

Says a mother who is suckling a baby in her arms to her father: "Am I glad I live in this day and age, 'cause thirteen centuries from now in the Nigerian State of Katsina they would have tried to bury me up to my neck and stone me to death for bearing this lovely child out of wedlock."


AN OHIO DUNGEON

Says a lecherous artist who is busy rendering one of his erotic fantasies --perhaps wicked, but fantasies nevertheless-- on the wall of a cave to his friends: "Am I glad I live in this day and age, 'cause thirteen centuries from now these pictures would all be chalked up against me, and I'd have to serve seven years in an Ohio dungeon for drawing on my imagination."


DOCTORS AND NURSES

Says a 14-year-old girl to a few 14- and 15-year-old chums: "Am I glad we live in this day and age, 'cause thirteen centuries from now our parents would not have allowed us to get this close. They'd have wanted us to keep on playing doctors and nurses for at least another two or three years, if not another six or seven years." Answers one of her chums: "Are you kidding? Kids playing doctor with each other will be judged 'sex offenders' thirteen centuries from now."


MOVING PICTURES FOR MONEY

Says a young parent with little children up to age 12 to her loving spouse and co-parent: "Am I glad we live in this day and age, 'cause thirteen centuries from now there'll be brutes only interested in money who may try to lure our children into sexual acts, or even force them to do such things, of which they'll make moving pictures that others will be prepared to pay for -- the rougher or crueller the act the more."


A TERRORIST COURT IN EGYPT

Says a part-time transvestite who likes to show himself with makeup in women's clothes to an enthusiastic audience: "Am I glad I live in this day and age, 'cause thirteen centuries from now I'd be arrested for habitual debauchery and contempt of religion in Egypt, and tried by a terrorist court. I should consider myself lucky, if I got a lighter sentence than being thrown into gaol for five years. I'd be suspended in painful positions, burnt with fire rolls, submerged in ice-cold water, and subjugated to thunder shocks on every member."


A 'TELLYAWONE' OR SOMETHING

Says a very adult but buxom lady who still feels in the spring of her life to her mate of 21 summers after hours of billing and cooing and coupling: "Am I glad we live in this day and age, 'cause thirteen centuries from now we'd definitely have been interrupted by the high-pitched noise of a new gadget --a 'tellyawone' or something-- and you, as a child of your time, would probably have started to talk loud to it for what would've felt like ages, meanwhile ignoring me as if I didn't exist any more."


PENAL KANSAS

Says an 18-year-old student of law to his 15-year-old partner with whom he has just had consensual oral sex: "Am I glad we live in this day and age, 'cause thirteen centuries from now the penal system in the American State of Kansas would've had 17 years in store for me; or, perhaps, a few years less, for luckily the voyeurs would've seen me having fun with a girl instead of a boy."


A NORMAL COUNTRY IN EASTERN CENTRAL AFRICA

Says a father to his teenage son and daughter: "You should be glad that you live in this day and age, 'cause thirteen centuries from now our part of the world will be called 'Uganda' and it will be tormented by mass murders and decades of war. (And the mass murderers will go unpunished.) When there's no war little children will be slaughtered, boys castrated, and their blood and heads will be used in new buildings. (And the serial killers will go unpunished.) Children your age will be raped and otherwise abused by soldiers in the army and even in the refugee camps. If you dare to complain, those involved, directly or indirectly, will retort that you should be grateful for living in a normal country where no man ever makes love to another man. (Or those who do will be severely punished.)"


DISTURBED IN THE ALTOGETHER

Says a sportive woman to her beautiful girlfriend with whom she is swimming and sunbathing in the nude at a silent, deserted spot: "Am I glad we live in this day and age, 'cause thirteen centuries from now someone would no doubt have seen us at our trysting-place and sent for the bailiff to force us to get dressed, and to fine or arrest us."


A FAMILY AFFAIR ON A WARM ISLAND

Says a son to his parents: "Am I glad I live in this day and age, 'cause thirteen centuries from now, if I'd lived in Jamaica and Father had found those drawings of naked men in my bag, he would have asked all boys and girls in town to teach me a lesson. Like a pack of wild animals smelling blood at least twelve of them would knock me unconscious, while trying to kill me". Answers his father: "Yeah, and neither I nor those boys and girls would be charged with anything, 'cause those in uniform supposed to protect people would consider it a family affair".


COVERED WITH A SHEATH

Says a 52-year-old man to his 44-year-old bosom friend, while their woman is cleaning herself: "Am I glad we live in this day and age, 'cause thirteen centuries from now we would have had to put our lusty members in sheaths first before doing it, 'cause then our semen may contain something that will be killing millions of people, even babies who'll get it from their mothers. The plague will be called 'aids'." "Aids?" asks his friend. "Yes, I don't know who or what it is that it's supposed to be helping."


BACKWARD JUSTICE

Says a priest to a coreligionist: "Am I glad I'm a priest in this day and age, because thirteen centuries from now a colleague of mine in the American state of Massachusetts will be sentenced to death for touching a ten-year-old boy's backside in a swimming pool: a decade in prison de jure and then killed by a fellow-prisoner de facto."


UNDER THE GUISE OF POLYGAMY

Says a 15-year-old girl to her 13-year-old sister: "Am I glad we live in this day and age, 'cause thirteen centuries from now in Utah a 30- or 40-year-old uncle would have forced at least one of us to become his fourth or fifth wife and I'm sure he would have raped you or me on the very first night." Answers their mother, who has overheard them: "Yeah, and in the American state of Utah polygamy will even be outlawed after 50 years or so. What do you think of all those countries where it will remain legal for a man to marry several women, and where he marries an underage child, because his other wives have become too adult?"


RAIDS FOR A BETTER NETHERWORLD

Says a nature lover from the Low Countries to an old friend: "Am I glad we live in this day and age, 'cause thirteen centuries from now uniformed guards will regularly raid areas like these, looking for humans silently exploring each other's bodies. And meanwhile you will go crazy because of the noise from the traffic and out of sound boxes, and you won't be able to walk or ride for a mile without hitting a busy road, nor swim or row for half a mile without being hit by several speedboats. But making love anywhere else than between four walls or on private property will be forbidden by law and that law will be enforced day and night."


COCKEYED LEGALISTS

Says a 16-year-old boy who has just made vaginal love to a girl hardly seven months younger than he: "Am I glad we live in this day and age, 'cause thirteen centuries from now the law will classify me as an adult and you as a minor and cockeyed legalists will brand me a criminal for pleasing you like this."


A SAUDI ARABIAN PUBIC SQUARE

Says a middle-aged devotee of the 'God is Love' doctrine, while having anal intercourse with a fair layman lying on his belly with his mouth agape: "Am I glad I live in this day and age, 'cause thirteen centuries from now I'd be beheaded by sword for deviating from the standard pubes-to-pubes fashion on a square in Saudi Arabia with hundreds or thousands of bloodthirsty spectators looking on. And for their own fun those spectators will just cross the border to a neighboring state, if they themselves can afford it, that is."


AN ARIZONA SIN BIN

Says an amorous but thoughtful teacher (m/f) who is having an affair with a 17-year-old pupil: "Am I glad I live in this day and age, 'cause thirteen centuries from now our relationship, which, I fear, is not right from a moral or professional point of view, will be illegal and I'd be punished out of all proportion with one hundred years in an Arizona sin bin." Answers the know-it-all: "Out of all proportion? Others will be getting two hundred years for just looking at pictures of us doing it together, give or take a few years!"


A BLACK STICKY SUBSTANCE EVERYWHERE

Says a more active than attractive couple 69 years old together after having kissed and cuddled and gone to a gorgeous depth in a sweet-smelling wood: "Are we glad we live in this day and age, 'cause thirteen centuries from now this idyllic sunlit wood will have been turned into one immense plain of a black sticky substance called something like 'ashfall'."




©MVVM, 57-66 ASWW

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